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{You're eyes roll over me like blue ocean dream...
Don't you want me?}
-- Apparently, that was the last thing I wrote here, saved as a draft, and never returned to again.
Who knows when that was written
or who it was about.

My oh my, how times have changed. How I have changed. How my mind and opinions have changed.... In these past four years.
[Though things are chaotic as ever. In my head.]

I guess I should just pick up from here, because I could not possibly explain the past four years in great detail or even nearly factual recollection.
I ended up leaving Ant a few years ago and ended up immediately getting into a serious, committed relationship with JM. Things were really bad with Ant towards the end and I had been looking for an escape for almost a year. I was stuck though. Stuck in a one bedroom apartment in the Acre, with 12 cats and one dog whom I loved and a significant other with a severe cocaine addiction. All of my precious things began disappearing. My first ever cherry red guitar, my toolbox full of oil & acrylic paints, paint brushes, charcoals, tools, pencils and all sorts of arts & crafts essentials, my 32gb Ipod (twice), my digital camera, DVD players, DVD's, computer games, brand new Sony Vaio laptop.... (the list is too long to keep going.) One day I just couldn't take the bullshit anymore. I was sick of prostitutes and crackheads banging on my windows at 4 and 5 a.m., sick of going down to the basement to find strangers shooting up drugs and smoking rock, sick of the lies and stealing and the fear and anxiety and all the other bad feelings and experiences that went along with that relationship. I called my mother and said I was going to be staying with her for some time. I packed a few items of clothes and necessities, took my dog and left. He stopped me on my way out, and I was terrified that he wouldn't let me go. He asked where I was going and I told him I was going to spend the night at my mother's. He asked why I was taking my dog and I made up some reason why. I remember him saying to me, "You better come back". I assured him I was only spending one night and that I'd be back the next day, but of course, I had no intentions of coming back, ever.
And that is how I escaped.
That horrorshow at least.
I immediately began a relationship with another guy I had known for about a year. We had met at work. He was the boss' son and had had a crush on me for quite some time. I never found him attractive, though he was very intelligent and had a good heart. Even before we started dating, he would pick me up and drive me to wherever I needed to go. I didn't have a car (or a valid license) at the time, so I really depended on him to get around to important places, and he was reliable and he was a good friend. That's how the feelings started to bloom. He was such a good person, he listened, gave advice and treated me so well, I started to see him in a different light. Eventually I started developing real feelings for him and our relationship sprouted from there. That;s how trouble always begins.... when something is forced.

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